21J Deep Thoughts

Sometimes in order for me to truly understand what I’m thinking or feeling I need to verbalize it or write it down. I wrote this for me, but my hope would be in reading this you might find something that resonates with you. If you did nothing could make me happier. 

I’ve always believed throughout my life I’m lucky and unlucky at the same time. During my life time I’ve had things happen to me and I could say that was unlucky but, at the same time I could also always say yes that was unlucky but it could have been so much worse.

Most of my life I considered a lot of the good things that happened to me as being lucky. As I’ve gotten older I no longer think some of those good things were just being lucky. I use to always say things like I’m lucky, things like I’ve been pretty healthy my whole life. I’ve been lucky. I’ve been able to race and ride dirt bikes for all these years.

Well yes, I have been lucky in that way, but I no longer believe it’s been just luck. Somewhere during these past years I started realizing, this isn’t just luck. I’ve never been religious, never really been exposed to organized religion. If someone asked about my views or beliefs regarding religion I would usually say something like I consider myself to be a spiritual person and not much more. Interesting though for many years, say after a day of trail riding on my way home, I would sort of look up and out of my windshield and say thank you, thank you for allowing me to do this again even if I had tweaked myself a little that day.  I also started saying this was the best ride ever (Thanks Eric), especially if someone asked how my ride was, because it could actually have been my last ride.

My views on spirituality have changed and continue to evolve. One of those changes was recognizing I am blessed. I can’t say I feel them around me as some people do, but I do believe there are sprits (Some people call them angels and spirit guides) who have looked out for me all my life and there are forces at play in my life if I listen to will help me along the way.

I spent nearly fifteen years as a Hospice volunteer, I found it to be very rewarding and my views on death and dying have changed. If you know you have made a difference at the end of someone’s life and if you’re lucky (That word again) they made a difference in yours and if you are willing to let that happen, it can be one of the finer moments in your life. And, at that moment, you will know what it means to be a human being operating at your very best. There are unlimited things we can do to feel we have given ourselves to something greater expecting nothing in return other than the inner feeling of just being a human being in the best possible way.  

But, I am a human being and I don’t always do the right thing for the right reasons. I’ve had many times in my life when it didn’t go my way perhaps at some else’s expense or at my own. I’ve had times when l felt like I’ve had more failures than successes, but I’ve learned when I’m am truly being the best possible human being I can be, I know I’m being successful. 

I spent most of my life thinking of myself as primarily a physical person. That’s who I was. I put no value on myself as being anything else. Certainly not as an intellectual person, I didn’t begin to think of myself in that way until later in my life, thankfully I did.  At about the same time I began to realize someday I will begin to lose this physicality, then what? Fortunately I was also discovering I had other things to offer and as time has marched on and my physicality has begun to diminish those other attributes I discovered began to supplement the physical me.

I had two years of dealing with neck issues that sort of started preparing me for the day I could no longer ride. Intellectually I knew that day was coming for years, but not today, right. Well when it finally happened I was still hoping for a fix, still am to a degree, but my sights are a lot more realistic now.

I’ve sold most of my bikes and surprisingly when I sold the dirt bike I had bought, but never got the chance to ride it was a relief and in many ways brought closure to that part of my life.

Again I’ve been blessed. I’m now over eighty and complaining that I have just recently lost my ability to do what I did for nearly fifty years. I’m also blessed in that I’m still able to form complete sentences and like many others do struggle with CRS but as long as I can continue writing things like this I’m doing alright.

Now I find myself at another crossroads the one extreme physical and mental activity (motorcycle racing) I had done for nearly fifty years is suddenly gone. I have had the time and been able to develop my other skills and now my other skills are taking the place of all that physicality. One of the things that has been very important to me all my life is daydreaming. I’ve done it my whole life.  I’m very good at it and practice doing it all the time. When day dreaming I can do anything, be anything, be anyone, go anywhere, I can have good endings or bad ones, I can be a good guy or a bad guy and I have done all those things. If I’m someplace and I feel comfortable and I am left alone I can close my eyes and daydream. Even if I’m someplace where I’m uncomfortable if I’m alone with my thoughts I can close my eyes and daydream. I can take myself anywhere and be anyone. Still those physical abilities are diminishing and for someone who has relied on, depended on those abilities it is freighting.

But I am adapting and I am better equipped to handle the inevitable changes coming in my life. 

Doug - 21J